After we were done running our errands, we hit the road to New Jersey. We had already gone home once so I could get my allergy medicine, which I had forgotten and felt like I was in dire need of. So, we were a bit later than we wanted to be. We were just about to turn on to 95 North when Lincoln goes, “Oh, SHOOT!”

I had a feeling this involved going back home again. “What?” I asked anyway.

“I forgot my gear for the beach training on Sunday!! I’m sorry, but we have to go back, Katja,” he said.

All I could do was laugh and say, “are you serious?? We just came from there!”

So, we made an interesting U-turn and headed back home for the second time since leaving the house about an hour before. All the while we were cracking up about our terrible memories and blaming the lack of memory on Mum.

We both got out of the car and ran inside after I parked the car. I figured I might as well grab my gear and go to the beach training, since we had to stop to get Lincoln’s gear, anyway.

Now, I had given Mum a hug goodbye when I had come in to get my allergy medicine. Lincoln hadn’t given Mum one, though, as we somehow left without saying goodbye. This time, Lincoln gave Mum a hug before we left again.

We ran back out to the car and zoomed off, and finally made it on to 95 North. And thus began our two-hour drive to New Jersey.

I believe it was in Delaware when we came across the National Guard caravans. We saw one parked at one of the rest stops along the way. I had pulled in because I really needed to use the restroom, and couldn’t wait another hour. We thought that would have been the last of it. But further along down the road we came up to another caravan. As we drove by the first car, we both waved, acting like a couple of goofballs. When they waved back, Lincoln did his bro-snap and said that they were “cool.” We made a game out of it. I pulled up to every single vehicle in the caravan, slowed down so that I was even with them, and then we would both wave and grin like crazy at them. We were trying to see who would wave back, and how they would do so. I remember one of the drivers had a drink in his hand, and did the weird wave with three fingers while the index and thumb held on to the drink. Lincoln was the one who brought that up, actually. I hadn’t seen it, as I was watching the road. I think that in the last few cars in the caravan, none of them waved back.

Lincoln did a funny pout and said they were mean. I just laughed and continued driving.

And what do you know, not too much farther after the first caravan, we came up to a second one. Of course, I had to continue the game. But Lincoln did his little kid pout, crossed his arms over his chest, and said “no! I don’t want to play anymore. They’re mean and won’t wave back.” He was just playing around, of course, and all I could do was crack up.

“Oh, c’mon, Lincoln,” I would tell him. “They’re not all mean! You know you want to..”

Meanwhile, I kept waving at the people in the military vehicles. It was probably the third one we passed that waved back and I got excited again. “See, Lincoln? That guy waved back! Come on…You know you want to wave to them!”

At the next car, Lincoln did a little wave. When the guy waved back, Lincoln went “yay!” and he got all excited again. We were just being little kids, goofing around. For this caravan, we tried to get everyone in the vehicle to wave back. It was so much fun.

As we pulled away from the last vehicle in the caravan, Lincoln said, “I bet they thought were little kids or something. They were probably like ‘aww look at these morons!’” And we both cracked up.

After blasting one of my Celtic Woman CDs, Plumb, and one of Lincoln’s favorite worship songs, we finally made it to New Jersey.

It was kind of weird. I was so excited to get there and be there, but I hadn’t wanted to go. Honestly, I wasn’t going to go until midnight the night before we left. For some reason, I just didn’t want to go. I couldn’t explain it, so when Lincoln and Mum asked why, I just said it was because I didn’t have the money. I thought it might have been because I was afraid that my boyfriend, Josh, would be uncomfortable with me staying with Danny, Lincoln’s best friend. Josh was convinced that Danny had a thing for me. Even that reason, though, didn’t feel quite right. I couldn’t figure it out. But, if I hadn’t gone, Lincoln would have had Mum drive him to New Jersey and back. That would mean two round trips to and from Jersey for Mum, instead of only one for me. So I decided to go.

At Danny’s house, we had dinner. Hamburgers made by Mama Coop, and they were delicious. Danny showed us this Harry Potter song, too. It was interesting. Lincoln was convinced the guy who was singing it was gay. Danny went to great lengths to show Lincoln otherwise. It was amusing to listen to.

Then we went to Danny’s hockey game, which Lincoln absolutely refused to miss. That’s the whole reason we were there on a Thursday instead of a Friday. He wanted to be there for his best friend.

Friday came, and I woke up and had breakfast alone. Danny and Lincoln had gone to the beach early to build sandcastles before all the HCs (hot chicks) got there. I was going to meet up with them there after I finished breakfast. Mama and Papa Coop were home, so I wasn’t actually alone. I talked to them a bit. They are such a lovely family. Then I left.

I had forgotten how much I loved swimming in the ocean. I love the cold, salty sea. We all got in the water and threw around Danny’s ball for a bit. Then Lincoln got out so he could tan for a while. Danny and I just laughed at how silly he was. But then we, too, got out of the water and we all ate lunch, which they had packed. They even made a sandwich for me! I felt loved, as normally they would just say “make your own” or “make us a sandwich.” Of course, I never made them a sandwich except on April Fool’s weekend, when Danny and Amanda came down to visit us in Maryland. But I put hot sauce on their sandwiches, so I’m not sure that counts.

Anyway, we had a fun day at the beach. Lincoln and Danny made friends with a group of boys who looked to be in early middle school. Maybe ten-ish. We all threw the ball around.

Then we left the beach, because we had an appointment with our old youth pastor and his family. We went to Danny’s house first, cleaned up, and then left. We played with Karolyna, their daughter, for a long time. Lincoln kept asking her what her favorite flower was, and she would always say, “Hibiscus!” He thought it was so funny that Karolyna, who is almost two I believe, knows a word that he didn’t learn until he was ten.

Mark, our old youth pastor, told us about his plans for Stand Your Ground at Camp Manatawny this year, and the next. Lincoln and I got incredibly excited, because Mark has some really awesome, BIG plans.

Lincoln started texted people about it right there, on the spot. Then Karolyna grabbed everyone’s attention again, and Lincoln made a little video of her. It was so cute.

My friend, Jen, met up with us there, because she hadn’t seen the Zielinskis for a long time. Then it was time to go, so we could go home and grab a bite to eat before heading off to the Italian-American Festival. That is the whole reason we had driven to Jersey, anyway. Everyone in the area goes there, so it is a perfect time for us to visit and see all our old friends again.

I got my stuff from Danny’s car and drove with Jen, so Lincoln and Danny could have some “bro time” and I could spend some time with Jen. We went to her house, where I pounced upon a bowl of M&Ms, and then drove to the festival. It was a fun night. I only saw Lincoln a couple times, as he became glued to a girl he liked. She is one of my friends, though, and was with a group of my friends, so I hung out with them for a while before being swept up in another round of hugs from a different group of friends. I re-connected with some friends I hadn’t seen since they graduated, which was a year or two before I graduated. And then I started texting Lincoln, telling him he should hurry up and ask the girl he liked out.

He wouldn’t, at first, because he was so nervous and didn’t know what to do. So I enlisted the help of my boyfriend and friend Amanda. All of us encouraged Lincoln to go for it, and Josh offered some advice. Later that night, driving home with Danny and Lincoln, I was told how everything happened. He told her that she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, but she was going away to college in the fall. So, she had turned him down. You can’t really blame her; long distance relationships are a real pain. But I was so happy for my brother that he had taken that chance. I felt bad for him, but at the same time really proud.

Anyway, after the festival, we went over to the Marchetti’s house. The Marchettis are pretty much our second family in New Jersey. Lincoln always praised the food there, and how nice the family is. There, we began watching Les Miserables, as performed by Ocean Township High School. We had wanted so desperately to drive up to see it and support our friends, but that was the week our Oba-chan flew in from California. So Nick, who I will always know as my favorite freshman (along with my “daughter” Haley), made us a copy of the DVD. And that night, we started watching it.

Unfortunately, we only made it through Act One. By the time it got to intermission, it was about one in the morning, and Danny was sleepy and wanting to go home. Plus, Lincoln and Danny had planned their “bro day” at Bushkill Falls tomorrow, and they had to get up early. It was a two hour drive, and Danny wanted some sleep. So, along with our copy of Les Mis, we said our goodbyes and went back to Danny’s house.

It was so nice of them. As I was sitting on the bed I was sleeping in, Lincoln and Danny came in and actually invited me to go hiking with them the next day. They didn’t want me being at Danny’s house all day with nothing to do (because I hadn’t made any plans, and they knew that), so they kindly invited me to go with them. I turned them down, though, as I’m not much of an early riser.

“Why are you still going?” I asked. “It’s really late…you’re not going to get much sleep. Maybe you should just go hiking some other time. Or go later in the day.”

But they were determined to stick to the plan.

So we said good night, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I awoke and ate breakfast alone again. Mama and Papa Coop let me borrow their GPS, because I didn’t have one and didn’t know how to get to Ocean Township from where they live. I figured I’d go to Pier 1 Imports and visit for a bit, then who knows where after that. So I grabbed my snacks that I had packed, the GPS, said see you later to Mama and Papa, and headed out. I went to Pier 1, but none of my old co-workers were working at the time. It was about that time my friend Alyssa texted me, and she met me there. We went to Wegmans to visit Hayden, and saw Kristina, too. After that, we went to Alyssa’s grandparent’s house and hung out for a bit. We went to Olive Garden to eat dinner, and after that it gets a little blurry for a bit. I remember having a mini “fashion show” in her room, where we put on some of her dresses and took pictures. We went to the mall, just to window shop, but she ended up buying me a sweatshirt and a pair of black shorts, which I love. They were both on clearance, so it was pretty cheap. Then we went to her boyfriend’s house and picked up Rob, her boyfriend. After that, we went back to her grandparent’s house, dropped off the car, and walked to the festival since she lived a couple minutes away.

We were walking through the park, almost made it to the festival, when my phone starts going off. It was Mark, my youth pastor.

“Kat, where are you right now?”

“I’m with Alyssa and her boyfriend, walking into the festival. Why, what’s up?”

“You need to come to the Cooperman’s house right now.”

“How come?”

“There’s been an accident. You need to come right now.”

Laughing, I said, “Alright, alright. What is it really?”

“There’s been an accident.”

“Oh, come on…I know how you like to prank people. What’s going on?”

“Kat, honey, I wouldn’t joke about this. When can you be here?”

I stopped in my tracks. Alyssa and her boyfriend looked back at me, wondering why I stopped. “Okay…I can be there in about thirty minutes.”

It had struck me as odd that he called me that. The only time Mark ever used that terminology was when there was something serious. But I quickly shook off the notion. I was almost positive it was some kind of bad prank.

So I got off the phone with Mark and explained to Alyssa and her boyfriend, Rob. I felt terrible. They had to walk back with me because some of my stuff was still in Alyssa’s car, and her car was blocking mine, anyway. As we were walking back, I called Lincoln to see what was up. But he didn’t answer. I didn’t think anything of it, because he usually ignores my calls. So, I called Danny next.

“Danny? What’s going on? What’s Mark got planned? What kind of prank is this?”

“Katja, this is not a prank. It’s true. Lincoln is dead. I’m so sorry. I love you. See you in a bit.” -click-

All I could say to that was that he wasn’t my boyfriend and shouldn’t be telling me he loves me. Yeah, I got a little mad. That, and this was turning into a really bad prank. You can’t joke about things like accidents and people dying!

We got there, Alyssa moved her car, and we parted ways. “Text me and let me know what happens,” she said. “If it’s a prank, I’ll kill him.” We laughed and I drove off.

All the while, I was wondering why they would be tricking me into going to the Cooperman’s early.

I was about ten minutes from their house when I get another phone call: my mother.

She asked where I was, if Mark had told me, and how long it would be until I got there. She sounded fine. I remember thinking “wow, Mark. You really went all out. You even got my mother in on it!” But by the time I had hung up with my mother, there was a doubt gnawing in my stomach. What if something had actually happened?

But then I quickly pushed away that doubt, saying that if there actually had been some kind of accident, I’d be going to a hospital and not Danny’s home.

It was about that time that I turned on to Danny’s street.

The first thing I saw were the cop cars parked on one side of the street. At first I thought it was out front of someone else’s house, but as I pulled up I could feel my heart speeding up and panic rising.

I rushed inside without another thought. I don’t remember who greeted me at the door. I just remember being led into the living room right next to the front door, where some cops were.

Tears were already falling down my cheeks as they sat me down on a couch and a cop knelt in front of me.

“There’s no easy way to put this…As you know, Howard and Daniel went hiking this morning. Well…there was an accident, and Howard didn’t make it.” I remember the cop called him Howard, but as what he said echoed in my mind, I heard it not as Howard but as Lincoln. Because no one ever called him Howard. Not even us, his family, knew him as Howard. We all know him as Lincoln.

The tears came out of nowhere. I wasn’t really thinking, or even feeling. I was completely numb from head to toe in shock. I don’t know how else to describe it. Inside, there was…nothing.

I couldn’t believe it. There was just no way. Lincoln couldn’t be dead. He’s on the way home right now with Danny. Lincoln can’t be gone.

The cops, they had given me their names earlier, but it went in one ear and right out the other. All I remember is they were detectives. They said if I need anything, just let them know. They asked if I needed some water or tissues. I just numbly shook my head. I remember saying “no…I am good. Thank you.” They called me a sweetheart or something when they offered their services again. Then he gave me a hug and said just to call if I need anything. Then they left.

And then everyone there seemed to converge on me. Everyone was crying, except Karolyna, who had come with her parents. Hugging me, handing me tissues, telling me that they’re sorry and to just let it out. I couldn’t.

That was when the numbness started fading away, as if I had been injected with morphine and it was wearing off. And I wanted to scream. I wanted to run away from all these people and be alone. I wanted to scream and yell and cry and demand why. Yet, I was so empty, felt so alone, and wanted to have people nearby.

Pain pierced like a sword, and it seems buried there now. Forever a part of me, this new pain.

So many tears…so many tears…I could fill an ocean or fill the sky. I could bathe the sun in my tears, and extinguish its flame.

He understands me, Lincoln does. He was the only family member I could ever sing and play in front of, because he knew that I don’t like receiving too much praise, yet he knew that I want to know if I’m any good or not. He gave the perfect, “It sounds really good.” And that was it. Now I know, though, that he always praised me more behind my back. He always helped me loosen up when I was nervous or angry, except when I was angry at him. When we went somewhere and neither of us knew anyone, I always shadowed him. Because he was so social and so good at making friends. Most people we met wouldn’t remember me, but they always remembered him. I remember for my birthday a couple years ago, Mum got me two tickets to see Third Day at Six Flags, and day passes at Six Flags. I decided to go with Lincoln. He met a group of people while we were there, and we ended up going with them on a few rides. I, of course, never went on a ride. I got bored, so I ended up just leaving the group and telling Lincoln to meet up with me later, since he didn’t want to be stuck with just me. I can’t say I blame him. The whole first half of the day, Lincoln was saying “let’s do this!” but it was a roller coaster, and I get scared beyond reason of them so I would refuse. I wonder where his friends from that day are, and if they know.

I remember…when we were younger, Lincoln got some money for his birthday. We went to Toys R Us, I believe. Yes, it was that long ago. The minute we walked in, I saw this beautiful stuffed collie dog. And I wanted it. I mean, with every fiber of my little child being. I begged my mum to get it for me, as I had no money at that age except what my mum locked safely away in my savings account. But she refused. My little girl self was crushed. Then my baby brother, my sweet little brother, said that he would buy it for me. It was $20, almost half of his birthday money. I used to take it with me everywhere. I brought it with me when Mum had to take us to work with her on Saturdays, and her boss thought it was a real dog one time. At first glance, anyway. I wouldn’t dare bring it with me to daycare, though, because I didn’t want other kids touching it and ruining it.

I still have that dog, and ever since August the 13th, I have been sleeping with it.

Though we have had some pretty bad fights, I’ve always loved him, and he’s always loved me. He’s my brother. My flesh and blood, my best friend. And I can’t wait to see him again in Heaven one day.

…that to love is to be vulnerable. Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.”

A painter was she, the best there could be.
From animals to fruit,
And even pirate’s loot,
She painted with incredible detail.

From the rising to the setting of the sun,
She had all kinds of fun,
With dips and swirls,
Spots and twirls,
Magically blended color brought her dreams to life.

Then one day, she met a man,
And she found her feet suddenly sinking in sand.
Her heart gave a twist,
Which began the list,
Of the many ways he affected her.

She thought she was strong,
But he showed her she was wrong,
And then she became lost,
Her mind stuck in a frost,
Where she searched for a way to change.

Then inspiration hit,
And she threw a joyous fit,
Grabbing her finest canvas and best of paint,
Quickly, before the idea became faint,
She began to paint a new kind of picture.

From deep within,
Where not even she had ever been,
She drew up her story,
In all her sorrowful glory,
And placed it upon the canvas.

Abandonment was her greatest fear,
So she had ignored any who tried to lend an ear,
Throwing up the thickest wall,
And she cried as it began to fall.
Never had she felt so vulnerable before.

O, how beautiful this picture was!

As she went on, her hand became weak,
Her lips trembled, and she could barely speak.
Tired was she, of the scars she had gained,
That accompanied each bruise, until she was lamed.
Thus, the picture, like a flower in winter, began to wilt.

“God,” cried she,
“Oh, where could you be?
Help me this hour, I beg of thee,
Guide me, I’m lost. And now truly I see,
That Your way is the only way, as mine leads to death.”

Oh, how she longed to call him back,
But her strength was lost, at the sight of his ever-distant back,
And she broke inside, with never-ending tears,
As God gently comforted her countless fears.
For God, she vowed, she would not let her heart grow hard again.

With purples and blues,
Of all different hues,
Adorning her ragged frame,
Her wild, aching heart began to grow tame,
Under the merciful hands of God.

And thus the painting came to an end,
She began to seek those whose ears they would lend.
Foolish was she, to try and hide,
From a fate by which we all must abide.
But now, at least, she can take heart, for, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” [Philippians 4:13]

So this is an acoustic song I’m in the process of writing. I finished the lyrics, but I’m still working on the guitar. And as I go along, I’ll probably change the vocals up a bit. Actually, this is probably going to change a lot by the time I’m finished. Right now the melody is really simple and repetitive. I was focusing mainly on the lyrics. It’s kind of different. The chorus changes every time. I don’t think one can even call it the ‘chorus’ lol. And yes, it is a Jesus song!!!

So here is the prototype, I guess you could call it:

The rain
Falls from this empty sky
Into
The depths of the sea
It breathes
A sigh of longing
At last,
It comes to rest.

The stars
Cease their journey
Across
The endless sky
No more
Do they burn brightly
Until
True Love is come.

I’m bruised,
Oh, so battered.
I wonder if I
Can go on
Without true love,
how can I be whole?

There,
A sun is shining,
Into
this dark abyss,
It seems
There’s hope, after all,
A hope,
That never will fail.

But I’m bruised,
Oh, so battered..
I wonder if He
Will accept me?
His pure holiness
Consumes my greatest deed..

The moon
Begins its orbit
Around
Th’immortal Son
I learn
That though I am broken
He still
Loves me so.

I’m bruised,
Oh, so battered.
But now I know I
Can go on.
For He, only He,
Is scarred for me
True Love,
I never have known.
…’Til now.

These walls.

These walls she built.

How could she tear them down?

Every time she pushed through a weak spot, opened a crack, she was met with the sting of betrayal from the outside world. How could she tear them down? Was she strong enough to take that much pain?

Was it better to be alone? To dream, but never dare venture into reality?

Sometimes she wondered. How were they able to be so open with others? How did they do it?

Oh, how akin these walls were to a double-edged sword. On the inside was the protection of privacy, accompanied with the loneliness that eroded one’s heart. On the outside was pain. That was all she knew of for sure. She had heard of and seen through the glass, the happiness that came with that pain. Oh, how her heart longed for such human companionship.

Had she ever known the joy of true friendship, outside of the books she hid in?

Part of her wanted to burst through those walls. To destroy them once and for all, and bravely face whatever pain came.

But she was too stubborn. How could she open up to someone who didn’t see the walls? Or to someone who did, but didn’t care enough to push at them? To poke and prod until they found a crack?

Yes. That was what she wanted. Someone who would force their way through her walls. Someone who cared so much about her that they didn’t care about how stubborn she was.

And, what she wanted, she would never get.

She would settle for someone who would just let her cry. Who would hold her as she cried, without asking any questions. Can’t there be so much pain without a visible cause?

All her pain derived from self-inflicted loneliness. So, to others, the reason for so much pain is unbelievably and utterly silly and immature. Why would she want their scorn? “It’s so easy to fix,” they would say.

But it isn’t.

“God,” she whispered hoarsely, eyeliner and mascara running down her tear-stained cheeks as she pleaded. “Help me. I know you love me. Help me to understand.”

‘Twas strange. Suddenly, the pain was gone. The emptiness in her chest was filled.

Suddenly, she wasn’t drowning.

She could breathe.

…she was beginning to understand.

A young boy and a young girl were playing tag at school on the playground. The girl accidentally stepped on her shoelaces while running and it untied. She became distressed because she didn’t know how to tie them, however, the boy knew how. He said, “My mommy taught me how to tie my shoes! I can teach you!” and crouched on the grass to knot her laces. Step-by-step, he taught her how, and she smiled really big saying, “Thanks!” The two immediately began playing again.

Over time, they had become really close. In fact, they had been dating for many years and fell in love. One night, after a romantic dinner date, the couple left on their way home. While walking, the guy purposely stepped on the girl’s shoelaces and it untied. She stopped, groaned, and was about to get down to knot them. The guy said, “Don’t worry. I got it,” and bent down on one knee to tie it. While tying her shoes, the girl laughed and said, “Do you remember, you were the one who taught me how to tie my laces when we were kids? Weren’t you the sweetest little thing!” The guy, while listening, smiled. “You taught me a lot since then!” she said. He finished tying her shoes and looked up at her. “What?” she asked. He said, “You taught me things too.” Still on one knee, he took out a ring from his pocket and held it out, “You taught me that the happiest moments of my life have always been with you and that I’d be stupid if I didn’t spend the rest of my life with you as my wife,” he smiled, “Will you marry me?”

hilker:

a Stop the Traffik billboard in London.

please click through, read the stories, and do what you can.

[via Advertising Ka Kamaal’s facebook page]

The cry of an eagle split through the air, soaring above the whisper of the trees. A tapestry of stars stretched above the treetops, with a brilliant full moon as its centerpiece. Not a cloud graced the sky; the night wished not to hide.

Soft moonlight and starlight spilled across the surface of the earth, illuminating the path under her feet and the wildflowers that danced at its side. The scent of pine, lavender, oak, and fresh night air floated to her delicate nose. Closing her eyes as she inhaled, she became filled with the subtle vivacity of the night.

Cicadas playing their constant melody in the background, as an owl hunted and a lone wolf mourned for her lost pack. Her heart went out to the lonely wolf. May I join you this eve in song, Night-sister?

A song flowed from her lips, with words no human would know, but a passion all of nature has. Gracefully, she swayed in time as she joined the flowers in their dance as she made her way down the path. The trees whispered amongst themselves, and groaned in longing to have a voice that all could hear. Alas, they raised their silent voices in song and joined the dance.

They sang of their pain, their sorrow, together.

Carefully, God listened, reveling in this time with His creation. The angels fluttered as they were moved to join the dance, so hauntingly beautiful, so pure, was this music. Together, they shared the agony that remains hidden from others.

As everything must come to an end, so must their song. Gradually, it dwindled to silence.

And then, as nature caught its breath, God whispered in reply. Those that listened and heard found that suddenly their pain was not so great. That their burden was no longer so heavy.

She breathed a sigh of relief as her lonely heart found company, as the load that had weighed it down for so long was lifted.